I remember a couple years ago I was crying once again on the floor… Sobbing to some higher being whom I wasn’t sure existed asking “Why me?…Why me again…?” I again had been left with another failed relationship. My boyfriend of two years had been cheating on me with multiple people and finally left me for another woman who soon after became pregnant. Alcohol was the only thing curing that pain (or so I thought), and I that if I controlled what I looked like by controlling what I ate, maybe I would become lovable. At this point I had dropped out of school, gotten my third DUI and was looking at jail time. I know, it sounds extreme, and it was. What’s a kind, young girl doing, settling with such a messed up life? This is just skimming the surface of my issues at the time, but obviously we can see that I did, in fact, not have my shit together.
Two years ago this was my life. Everything I started, I never finished and everything I wanted, I lost, or sometimes it just went running in the opposite direction. Life seemed unmanageable and I didn’t know if I even had a real purpose anymore. My shit was definitely falling apart and nothing seemed to go my way.
Let me tell you that sometimes the best thing to happen is to fall apart. Those raw emotional tears of sadness that come and go? Sometimes they’ll be there for awhile. That hopeless feeling that you’re not good enough is sometimes the best thing for you, because that’s what creates a SHIFT. They say that you can’t truly experience great joy without going through great sorrow and it’s true. How would you know what happiness really feels like if you didn’t feel the depths of despair? With great despair, you can wallow in it (and you should, at least for a while. Let it teach you something!), or you can use it as fuel to completely change your life.
In my experience, the greatest pain brought me the most courage to do things I never thought that I could do.
What follows a Breakdown?
: a sudden increase in knowledge, understanding, etc. : an important discovery that happens after trying for a long time to understand or explain something
: a person’s first important success
When you don’t have your shit together, it allows yourself to make space for basically anything else. When we are too comfortable, we settle… We don’t need change because we are already happy with what is familiar.
Maybe we fear change?
When we are struggling and experiencing pain, we can really put pen to paper and see whats really important and what needs to stay in our life, what needs to go, and have the ability to really shake things up for the better.
After my breakthrough from the life that I was living, I opted to be completely single for an entire year. I needed to figure out what I really needed for myself. I got sober and decided I wanted a free life without the consequences of having a foggy mind through my decision making. I changed towns and became closer with my family and real friends, and I took a mountaineering course that changed my life.
Today I can say that this week I summited Mount Baker and I leave to Mount Rainier in a few weeks, I started dating someone after a year who has a lifestyle like my own, and I started my own business. I would have never found my true passion if my shit was always together. In the end I had needed the tears, the heartbreak and the struggle to find the breakthrough that was underneath. Whatever path you’re on: obstacles, pitfalls and breakdowns, the person you’re meant to be is right alongside it. It’s there waiting for you. And it all waits in one single choice.
It’s there for you, always, when you want it to be. Choose it.